Dirty little secrets. We all have them but rarely do we have the time or space to really dredge them up and explore them. Truthfully, I’ve never wanted to because then I would have to admit to them and own them as a part of me. It’s been far easier to ignore them and keep on truckin’ pretending that when life rocks the boat, its life not me. But that became far less easy to do recently when one of those secrets got real loud!
It yelled loud enough this time for me to stop and look at something…I live my life in lack. I can now see it is an underlying belief that has permeated my life because one can’t live in lack just in the way of a fear of not having enough money…no, no, it’s a whole lot quietly fierce then that. It’s rooted in my emotional, physical and spiritual way of being. It means I live, react and give from a deep space of withholding, protection, fear and worry. It’s the poor me when the café doesn’t have soy milk, it’s the I can’t afford it if a friend wants to go out for dinner, it’s the what would I know when I sit down to write a blog post, it’s the I told you so when I signed the divorce papers.
While looking at this yucky business I found it interesting that my most cherished, enduring and strongest friendships are the ones where a friend has called me on it. They haven’t been easy conversations, in fact, they have been excruciatingly uncomfortable ones. Awkward, yes….necessary, hell yeah. But those were moments where I was being given a chance to see the fork in the road to choose the way I could live my life. Unfortunately, I kept choosing to go left.
I want to do two things. Firstly, I want to acknowledge the friends in my life who have confronted me and then continued to love me, pure forgiveness and pure love….I am humbled and honoured. Secondly, I want to create a new future (with major kudos to some great friends). Since our words and our actions create our reality I am going to point my life in a new direction. Here it comes and I love how simple it is.
I choose to be generous.
“Think it’s time to go right” said the girl with the meringue swing and a pocket full of nothin’ but love.