Someone once told me “if you made a list of all the things that scared you and you did them…well honey, you’d would so on track with your life it’s not funny.” That hit me and settled down into my bones somewhere because I’d forgotten those words of wisdom until just recently. It bubbled up and washed over me in a yoga class and I had to drop down into child’s pose to put my hands on my heart to keep myself from crying. Was I on track now? Was I listening, really listening to my inner knowing? You know that little voice that tells you to quit your job, give up your home and move to another city just cause it spreads a warmth through your heart and makes you melt into your soft side? Yeah, you know the one. Thing is, this time I listened and that’s just what I did.
Now I admit that I’m no stranger to facing my fears. I’ve tackled a couple of doosies in my life. I’ve rock-climbed in the Canadian Rocky Mountains to get over my fear of heights, I swam the world’s largest open ocean water swim in Australia to get over my fear of sharks (I cried almost the whole way), I went caving to get over my fear of confined spaces, I’ve worn the solo traveler badge since I was 14-years old to inspire myself to see that I am strong and capable and just recently I quit my job, moved out of my home and moved to another city to face my fear of not living from an inspired space. They are easy to write about here but in the moment they were scary and sometimes terrifying to me in their own way. I toppled inside and told myself that “I couldn’t”, “I’m gonna fail”, “I’m not good enough” and “I’m not enough”. But in all of those instances somehow I pushed past the doubt and tapped back into something that kicked me up the Fake It Till You Make It hill.
Funny though, through all that there is one place that I have never been able to push past the doubt and have lived my life in “I can’t” and especially “I’m not enough”…and that place is here, right now…write now. Writing has been my stranglehold ever since my university English teacher laughed at me when I was handing in an essay saying “ohhh, so you’re going to give it another go are you?!” and when in the same year, my Biology teacher told me to try to be “less imaginative”. I was already shy about writing but this drove me deep into a whole other layer of not enough, down into “I will never be enough”. It has held me back in all areas of my life since and I mean all….you don’t even know the pressure I put myself under when the office birthday cards get passed around! So the other day I decided that it was time to kick myself out of my comfort zone and square into the line of fire. It was def time to nail this fear! I felt the best way to do this was a solution that felt way too uncomfortable (strong indication for me that I’m on track) and that was to put my words out there for others to see, to judge, to criticize and comment on. You see my biggest fear involves a local coffee shop and someone in line turning to tell me they read my blog and it was “jumbled, without direction and too imaginative”. Hmm, do you think this could be connected to my essay remarks at Uni?
Now I’m not sure if anyone will read this or if this site will be a ghost town but I am totally cool with that. I’m totally cool to leave it be my own little project but if someone stumbles across it and it inspires them to challenge a fear then hallelujah, that is one more person trucking down the road of an inspired life. On track and unstoppable.
xZ
You are my hero! Do you know that I lip sync the song, Happy Birthday? Yes, it is true. My very own family used to tease me so much and tell me that I was off key when I sang the HB song. They would always draw attention to my “bad” voice every birthday occasion – no matter who’s birthday party we were attending! Well, that leaves a mark at 8 years of age. Finally, at 39 years of age I started singing Happy Birthday again. Each party I attend I get louder and louder. Keep writing and keep soaring, if only to keep inspiring me!
xo !h
Yay for Z! Go there… Explore… Discover!
I also was told, by a ‘friend’, when I was no less than 10 that I didn’t have a good voice – funny, as now I’m a voice over artist, so instead of using my voice as an instrument, I use it as a work tool. I stopped singing too. Now I sing with great in unabandon, in the car, and it never fails to lift my spirits or give me gooseys. Time to find me an outlet.
Thanks for the inspiration dollface!
you are so brave DDD .. am now full blown crying … here’s to the next entry!!!!
Geeezus girl. We are like sisters from-a-notha-motha. Now obvi this next message is something you’ll need to get nice and still and listen for it to bubble up from deep within you (instead of out from the tips of my fingerprints) but.. you are a fantastic writer. Blogging is an expression of your heart. There are no rules. You can breathe between the lines. It’s a creative sport. Play hard. Play from your heart.
You da bomb girl.
ps – oh and when that little voice puts her nasty hand up and starts chirping “but what will they think”.. shush her gently with an “Oh Darling…” – and then keep on typin’ on.
You fricken rock mrs holiday! Thanks for the epic words and I will definitely be returning to them whenever the little voice puts her hand up. x
There is a lot to be said for fear facing…to look into the darkness is to shine a light in and hey presto! It’s not dark anymores… just for the record, it took me one read to realize that this was your blog, I thought it was a REAL PROFFESIONAL writers…good job .
Thank you miss joanna…that means alot to me. x
My darling Zoe…. you are so amazing and so incredibly inspiring, I actually shed tears reading this!! Not only because I miss you like crazy and so desperately need to hang with you very soon, but more so because it really hit home to me that I too, am leading a ‘comfortable’ life. Recently I have had many ideas and thoughts of what I want to do run through my mind, only to dismiss them due to fear. You have inspired me to sit down, re-visit my goals and figure out what exactly it is I want to do. So thank-you… I look forward to sharing with you the outcome/s, where I am finding roadblocks or barriers, and most importantly listening to your stories and learning from your personal experiences! Can’t wait to follow you on our journey and share with you mine…. love you loads chic!! Siobhan xx
Love love love the seekerloverdreamer title.
Oh and I too will be following you my friend, and plan on trucking on right beside you down that road of an inspired life! Send It!
Zoe! You’re amazing. I’m looking forward to reading more. Big love to you. Annie xxx
DDD .. slight error: you were 10 when you started your “solo-travelling” .. flying to Salmon Arm to see your grandma …
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