Someone once told me “if you made a list of all the things that scared you and you did them…well honey, you’d would so on track with your life it’s not funny.” That hit me and settled down into my bones somewhere because I’d forgotten those words of wisdom until just recently. It bubbled up and washed over me in a yoga class and I had to drop down into child’s pose to put my hands on my heart to keep myself from crying. Was I on track now? Was I listening, really listening to my inner knowing? You know that little voice that tells you to quit your job, give up your home and move to another city just cause it spreads a warmth through your heart and makes you melt into your soft side? Yeah, you know the one. Thing is, this time I listened and that’s just what I did.
Now I admit that I’m no stranger to facing my fears. I’ve tackled a couple of doosies in my life. I’ve rock-climbed in the Canadian Rocky Mountains to get over my fear of heights, I swam the world’s largest open ocean water swim in Australia to get over my fear of sharks (I cried almost the whole way), I went caving to get over my fear of confined spaces, I’ve worn the solo traveler badge since I was 14-years old to inspire myself to see that I am strong and capable and just recently I quit my job, moved out of my home and moved to another city to face my fear of not living from an inspired space. They are easy to write about here but in the moment they were scary and sometimes terrifying to me in their own way. I toppled inside and told myself that “I couldn’t”, “I’m gonna fail”, “I’m not good enough” and “I’m not enough”. But in all of those instances somehow I pushed past the doubt and tapped back into something that kicked me up the Fake It Till You Make It hill.
Funny though, through all that there is one place that I have never been able to push past the doubt and have lived my life in “I can’t” and especially “I’m not enough”…and that place is here, right now…write now. Writing has been my stranglehold ever since my university English teacher laughed at me when I was handing in an essay saying “ohhh, so you’re going to give it another go are you?!” and when in the same year, my Biology teacher told me to try to be “less imaginative”. I was already shy about writing but this drove me deep into a whole other layer of not enough, down into “I will never be enough”. It has held me back in all areas of my life since and I mean all….you don’t even know the pressure I put myself under when the office birthday cards get passed around! So the other day I decided that it was time to kick myself out of my comfort zone and square into the line of fire. It was def time to nail this fear! I felt the best way to do this was a solution that felt way too uncomfortable (strong indication for me that I’m on track) and that was to put my words out there for others to see, to judge, to criticize and comment on. You see my biggest fear involves a local coffee shop and someone in line turning to tell me they read my blog and it was “jumbled, without direction and too imaginative”. Hmm, do you think this could be connected to my essay remarks at Uni?
Now I’m not sure if anyone will read this or if this site will be a ghost town but I am totally cool with that. I’m totally cool to leave it be my own little project but if someone stumbles across it and it inspires them to challenge a fear then hallelujah, that is one more person trucking down the road of an inspired life. On track and unstoppable.