Dirty little secrets. We all have them but rarely do we have the time or space to really dredge them up and explore them. Truthfully, I’ve never wanted to because then I would have to admit to them and own them as a part of me. It’s been far easier to ignore them and keep on truckin’ pretending that when life rocks the boat, its life not me. But that became far less easy to do recently when one of those secrets got real loud!
It yelled loud enough this time for me to stop and look at something…I live my life in lack. I can now see it is an underlying belief that has permeated my life because one can’t live in lack just in the way of a fear of not having enough money…no, no, it’s a whole lot quietly fierce then that. It’s rooted in my emotional, physical and spiritual way of being. It means I live, react and give from a deep space of withholding, protection, fear and worry. It’s the poor me when the café doesn’t have soy milk, it’s the I can’t afford it if a friend wants to go out for dinner, it’s the what would I know when I sit down to write a blog post, it’s the I told you so when I signed the divorce papers.
While looking at this yucky business I found it interesting that my most cherished, enduring and strongest friendships are the ones where a friend has called me on it. They haven’t been easy conversations, in fact, they have been excruciatingly uncomfortable ones. Awkward, yes….necessary, hell yeah. But those were moments where I was being given a chance to see the fork in the road to choose the way I could live my life. Unfortunately, I kept choosing to go left.
I want to do two things. Firstly, I want to acknowledge the friends in my life who have confronted me and then continued to love me, pure forgiveness and pure love….I am humbled and honoured. Secondly, I want to create a new future (with major kudos to some great friends). Since our words and our actions create our reality I am going to point my life in a new direction. Here it comes and I love how simple it is.
I choose to be generous.
“Think it’s time to go right” said the girl with the meringue swing and a pocket full of nothin’ but love.
Two months ago I left a job that I loved and moved from cultured Melbourne to oceanside Sydney. I did it to do something totally whack. I did it to invest the same effort and dedication that I had given to my job to my life…to finding me. Can you imagine? I felt self-indulgent, set loose, disconnected and sometimes lost. But in getting lost, living next to the ocean, being barefoot and slowing down enough to be still I found out some amazing things…and I didn’t just find them, I felt them. The below list is my reminder of all the magic that has fallen out of the last few months and many times filled me to the point of bursting.
- Forgiveness in life is the simplest path to inner peace. It doesn’t have to be a fists-raised-bellowing-it-all-out kinda thing, it can be gentle and silent and completely within. And you never know where it can take you when you shift a big ugly block because it creates an empty space to fill with something new.
- The need to love your-self is so you don’t look to others to love you FOR you.
- Ego is exhausting to feed and maintain, it’s phat and heavy….love and acceptance are soft, gentle and simple on your head, heart and nervous system.
- We can never judge another because we have not lived with-IN that person’s life. We don’t know what their accumulated hurts and wounds are….how they protect themselves and how that shows up. Their life could have been harder then you could ever imagine. So work at not judging others because every time you back down from judgment and just allow a person to be you quietly say to them “you’re not a bad person” and then you actually bring more love into your life. Nice trade-off.
- Patience=heart (softness, trusting in the process and surrendering) and Impatience=ego/head (hardness, control and grasping). Seems so simple but it’s taken me two months to have all those words fit…to have them land and actually get it…feel it.
- Inner child stuff-never got it, felt stupid doing it then had this pop moment where I got it. I went back, in my mind, as an adult and did the things I would have loved an adult to do for me. My parents divorced when I was young and I remember this terrible feeling of my mom being “out there” but not knowing how to get to her. So I went and ‘got’ myself from my childhood home (included kicking in doors and being a general badass protector) and meticulously showed the younger me how to get to my mom’s place. Made a map, attached a couple of quarters to it (payphone change) and made a magic pocket in my pants for it that no one could see but me. It doesn’t have to make sense or be all lovely jubbly, it can be badass and silly so inner child stuff-check!
- To tune into nature you need to be s t i l l, silent and soft and for me that has taken a lot of practice but there has been this sweet surprise that has come from it. Since I was still enough I tuned into this wonderfully quiet version of myself that helped uncover a hidden piece of me.
- If you blame others for what happens in your life then you transfer your power to them…they get it because you’ve basically said “there was nothing I could do…they made me feel this way”…sorry but bullshit. How much easier and powerful is it to just own it and decide how you deal with it. When you choose to own it you instantly diffuse all the rage, sadness, hurt and victim-ness. That’s also why they say to own it ALL, everything, even the whack shit your stepmother did when you were a kid because when you own it it has absolutely no power over you and you drop all the hurt and anguish you carry around your whole life. THAT is freedom.
- You don’t just “get” meditation…you have to work at it…THAT is meditation. The beauty of it is being in the moment and observing you and your monkey mind…seeing where it takes you, how you react to it, how easily you can give your thoughts up without judgement…that is all part of what meditation is. It is never a good or bad session but another part of the journey. THAT is letting go.
- Changing a few words can make a thought so much more powerful. Instead of being open to love, BE love…instead of being open to forgiveness, BE forgiveness. You may feel like a putz saying it to yourself but for me closing my eyes and saying I AM forgiveness helps me to embody it and believe it.
- Doing “work” on yourself doesn’t look like you think it will…Baron Baptiste says “change is messy” and the last two months have been just that. I have had to surrender to it, go with it, not judge it, trust it and completely let go. Yep, messy.
- Last lesson: Deep down at my core, hidden behind my heart and tucked away in a dark corner, I have felt that I don’t deserve to be loved and that I am unlovable (man that is scary to say outloud) but in the last two months I learned why. The reason why was that I didn’t known myself well enough to know what to love. I haven’t known the simple things that make my heart soar and, therefore, who I am. But after two months of meditating every day, writing till pens ran dry, being in the ocean and sitting in the fire of my own judgment and discomfort I can honestly say I now know and the beauty is, it was simple things that I needed to find out.
Huge thank you’s to those of you who have supported me during this journey. Those who drank coffee with me and just listened, those who talked me down from teetering mental ledges and those who hugged me when I was low and made me feel loved. You have helped me more then you know and given me such a gift. You helped me find me.
BAM! That is some good feeling shit to write!
Someone once told me “if you made a list of all the things that scared you and you did them…well honey, you’d would so on track with your life it’s not funny.” That hit me and settled down into my bones somewhere because I’d forgotten those words of wisdom until just recently. It bubbled up and washed over me in a yoga class and I had to drop down into child’s pose to put my hands on my heart to keep myself from crying. Was I on track now? Was I listening, really listening to my inner knowing? You know that little voice that tells you to quit your job, give up your home and move to another city just cause it spreads a warmth through your heart and makes you melt into your soft side? Yeah, you know the one. Thing is, this time I listened and that’s just what I did.
Now I admit that I’m no stranger to facing my fears. I’ve tackled a couple of doosies in my life. I’ve rock-climbed in the Canadian Rocky Mountains to get over my fear of heights, I swam the world’s largest open ocean water swim in Australia to get over my fear of sharks (I cried almost the whole way), I went caving to get over my fear of confined spaces, I’ve worn the solo traveler badge since I was 14-years old to inspire myself to see that I am strong and capable and just recently I quit my job, moved out of my home and moved to another city to face my fear of not living from an inspired space. They are easy to write about here but in the moment they were scary and sometimes terrifying to me in their own way. I toppled inside and told myself that “I couldn’t”, “I’m gonna fail”, “I’m not good enough” and “I’m not enough”. But in all of those instances somehow I pushed past the doubt and tapped back into something that kicked me up the Fake It Till You Make It hill.
Funny though, through all that there is one place that I have never been able to push past the doubt and have lived my life in “I can’t” and especially “I’m not enough”…and that place is here, right now…write now. Writing has been my stranglehold ever since my university English teacher laughed at me when I was handing in an essay saying “ohhh, so you’re going to give it another go are you?!” and when in the same year, my Biology teacher told me to try to be “less imaginative”. I was already shy about writing but this drove me deep into a whole other layer of not enough, down into “I will never be enough”. It has held me back in all areas of my life since and I mean all….you don’t even know the pressure I put myself under when the office birthday cards get passed around! So the other day I decided that it was time to kick myself out of my comfort zone and square into the line of fire. It was def time to nail this fear! I felt the best way to do this was a solution that felt way too uncomfortable (strong indication for me that I’m on track) and that was to put my words out there for others to see, to judge, to criticize and comment on. You see my biggest fear involves a local coffee shop and someone in line turning to tell me they read my blog and it was “jumbled, without direction and too imaginative”. Hmm, do you think this could be connected to my essay remarks at Uni?
Now I’m not sure if anyone will read this or if this site will be a ghost town but I am totally cool with that. I’m totally cool to leave it be my own little project but if someone stumbles across it and it inspires them to challenge a fear then hallelujah, that is one more person trucking down the road of an inspired life. On track and unstoppable.